Fear

Fear is a good instinct. Our ancestors needed it to survive and modern man probably isn't all that different. Just the things we fear have changed. Or have they?
We may have that instant fear when a passing car almost hits us or when there is a weird guy following us on our way home in the middle of the night. We fear that either we, or those we care about, might get hurt, accidentally or by someone's purposeful action. So we look twice before crossing the street and we take a pepper spray when going out and we hope that people we care about do the same. We take precautions to diminish the threat. Or make ourselves believe that it did.
Then there is the kind of fear that is paralyzing - when we find out that death is real and that it may soon take someone we love. There is not much we can do, we just have to wait and see. Fear is combined with helplessness, the worst kind of fear there is.
And then there are those fears that concern day-to-day stuff. We fear that we will lose something valuable, fail an exam, get rejected, never see the Sun rising over Mount Fuji, what have you.. Fears that are probably not very helpful, but that we can't seem to shake off. Because they are fears of habit.
So, some fear is good, but fear that paralyzes, prevents us from acting, from doing things we want to do, that is the kind of fear we should try to shake off.

In good friendships one is used to a certain kind of communication. Usually very few if any topics are off limits. You share what you think, who you are, what you experienced, what you want and hope for. Then the communication changes and you don't share anything serious anymore and you just talk about the weather. You can't really pinpoint the problem and you are not sure what has happened, yet something has shifted, moved out of its place. You would like it to go back, but you don't know if it ever will, since you are not certain about the core of the problem or if there even is one. With a lot of issues, it can be solved by talking it out, but with some, talking won't help. Sometimes things go back to normal, but what if they don't?

Our personality is like a complex structure. During adulthood the base remains the same, parts are adjustable, some motifs are similar to motifs we see in others, some are unique. If we looked at the structure from above, we would see very complex and yet very simple mechanisms. But from time to time, that structure is so flooded with emotion of one kind or the other that all the logic, the laws of physics suddenly become irrelevant. Only some small parts keep peeping out of the water, suggesting that there is some sense beneath the overpowering current. And once the flood is over, we see that the base remained, maybe even some of the upper layers stayed in place, but that we will need to rebuild a lot. Figure out how to make our system function once again. Should we try preventing the emotion from getting inside or welcome the changes it triggers? Should we be scared of the destruction it can cause or look forward to rebuilding our structure?

They watch you make mistakes, they tell you when they think you should do things differently, they stand by you when you can't stop making those mistakes and they help you when you need it.
I find it baffling that people who have appeared to be strangers for years can provide such a strong support system. Even when you don't realize or want to admit to yourself that you need help or that there even is a problem, they are there for you. I guess that's what I always wished for my family to be like and now it is.

Breaking up

In romantic relationships there are many acceptable reasons, why break up with someone. If your temperaments are not compatible, if you have nothing in common or nothing to talk about, if you don't really like the other anymore, if you have different expectations... In friendships, however, there are no such excuses. Once you form a friendship, you are expected to stay in it. Unless a serious betrayal has taken place, there is no accepted way to end relations. Either the friendship fades away(you just don't see each other that often, or you are too busy) or you stay friends.. If you are friends with someone for a really long time, it is natural that you become different people than who you were. That is a part of growing up:-) But suddenly you are so different that you probably wouldn't become friends if you met right now instead of years ago. The most problematic part is that both parties involved don't really acknowledge the change that has happened during the past years and still expect the other to be the same as before. When they're not, they feel cheated.. Is there a way to prevent that? Can we end relationships of any kind easily and forever like pulling off a band aid? Should we end friendships at all? Shouldn't we try to look at the person in front of us rather than see the person that we knew several years back? Should people try to be in a friendship with someone significantly different? Is it enriching or annoying?

You say something mean, something that you don't even mean. You just blurt it out. You regret it the second you do. The more you think about it, the stupider it seems to have even said it. The main issue is that even when you say you're sorry and/or try to make up for it, you have still said it in the first place. The word (or the sentence) hangs over your head and you can't escape the fact that you were mean for no good reason (is there ever one?). Could it be that what we blurt out without thinking says a lot about who we are? Maybe more than sentences and statements that are thought through? And if the answers are yes, then ... who are we?

Škola, kam se podíváš.

Už druhý týden v kuse laborkujeme na praktiku z molekulární genetiky od rána do večera a nějak mě to zmáhá (člověk vidí za oknem zpívat ptáčky, svítit slunce a zelenající se travičku, pak vidí jak slunce zapadá, ptáčci už nezpívají a tráva získá odstín šedi a pak je ještě tak dvě hodiny v labu). Standardně si člověk při práci v laborce dělá svoje pokusy, na které se soustředí a které občas v některých fázích zapne a pak mu třeba hodinu běží. Což dává dostatek času zpracovat si nějaká data z dřívějška, dočíst článek, psát laboratorní deník, ujasnit si, že to všechno je správně atd. atp. Na tomto praktiku ale využíváme opravdu každou minutu na přepínání mezi cca sedmi úlohami s vmezeřenými přednáškami ze všeho možného, plus jako bonus jsme dostali hromadu článků, manuálů a úkolů k načtení/udělání doma. Reálně se tak člověk celý den ani na chvíli nesmí přestat soustředit a i tak to je na hranici stíhání. A po přijití domů bychom asi měli ještě několik hodin strávit domácími úkoly. Dnes jsme ukončili (konečně) praktickou část a šup, zítra ráno máme zkoušku, která si prý co do náročnosti nezadá s genovým inženýrstvím(=je sakra těžká), aniž by byl čas se na ní jindy než dnes večer učit. Ať už to dopadne jakkoliv, vidím světlo na konci tunelu. Budu se moct vrátit k deseti hodinám ve "své" laborce denně.


FYI - nechápejte mě špatně, tohle praktikum mi dalo asi nejvíc ze všech předmětů za celé studium a klidně by podobných kurzů mohlo být víc. Pro univerzitu je to asi náročné - hodně vyučujících na málo studentů, omezené prostory, náklady na materiál.., tak je to určené hlavně pro magisterské studenty a to ještě v omezeném počtu. Hodilo by se to ale pro všechny bakaláře, minimálně ty molekulárně-biologické.

The men I was attracted to never showed their feelings(if they had any). Neither did I. I never knew how to do that. Even when I was in love, I was unable to show it. So maybe it was just me being attracted to those with the same disability.
What I have realized lately is that I don't even know how to respond to someone who wants to include me in his life. Not just in the superficial things, but for real. And how to do the same.
I somehow have the disease of being and feeling single even when in a relationship. Is there a cure?

Já to dělám zadarmo, tak mi vlezte na záda...

Pracovat pro neziskovku člověka naučí mnoho.
- Že jít do práce po práci je vyčerpávající.
- Že je třeba mít pevné nervy, nečekat mnoho a radovat se z blbostí.
- Že kdyby člověk nevěřil, že to má smysl, dávno by se na to vykašlal.
- Že lidi jsou všelijací a že když jim nejde o zaměstnání, o moc, o sex nebo o peníze, chovají se úplně jinak.
- Že typicky všichni mají pocit, že dělají mnoho a výsledků je málo.
- Že na všechno je ultimátní argument-dělám to zadarmo, tak si to budu dělat, jak chci já.
- Že mít koncepci, nastavená pravidla a trvat na jejich dodržování, je špatně. Asi proto, že pak nemůže každý dělat úplně všechno, co si usmyslí, ale musí to koordinovat s ostatními a to je opruz, a protože pravidla z podstaty věci nejsou cool.
- Že alkohol je kamarád, možná až nebezpečně moc.
- Že jste blázni, že jste do toho šli.
- A že pravděpodobně máte spasitelský syndrom, na který byste se měli vykašlat. Vlastně byste se na to celé měli vykašlat. Jenže ono to nejde. Viz bod č. 3.

Župan

Kus oděvu, který mi zůstal dlouho utajen. Dle mé matky to byl naprosto nadbytečný předmět, který vůbec nedávalo smysl doma mít. Objevila jsem ho až nedávno, prekvapivě právě u mé matky. Měla ho schovaný v koutě, nepoužívala ho a ráda mi ho věnovala. A přitom je to nejgeniálnější oblečení vůbec. Nevím, jak ten váš, ale ten můj je jako heboučká deka, do které se dá zabalit a hezky v teple si lebedit. Ano, župan je věc banální, ale taky geniální.

Co chceme říct, co říkáme a co bychom (ne)měli říkat

Poměrně běžně, a možná je to znak introvertnosti, se mi stává, že řeknu úplně něco jiného, než o čem přemýšlím, ať už se to týká formy nebo obsahu.
Jako když jde okolo jeden ze šéfů a komentuje zdařilou rekonstrukci slovy, že by ji mohli dělat častěji. A já začnu říkat, že to asi spíš není dobrý nápad... a v tu chvíli čekám, že jde pryč, jako to normálně konzultanti dělají. Ale on tam čeká na to, co ze mě vypadne. Jenže já už v tu chvíli vesele přemýslím o odhadu, kolik taková rekontrukce stojí na přímých nákladech a jaké jsou další nepřímé náklady v podobě např. snížené efektivity práce, omezeních v možnosti sjednávat schůzky, kolik lidí ta rekonstrukce zaměstnává a neřeší svoji běžnou pracovní náplň atd. atp. Ale dostanu ze sebe jen ... protože to pohodlí při práci je snížené, zaskočená, že mám dokončit větu. Vidět se, říkám si blondýna na n-tou.
Trochu jiný případ je, když chci poradit turistům cestu. Chtějí z Karlova náměstí do centra a já je pošlu směr Václavské náměstí. A pak další půl hodinu přemýšlím o tom, jestli jsem je neměla navést spíš na Staré město nebo Malou stranu, kam asi chtěli spíš, na druhou stranu by to snáz popletli a ztratili se a z Václavského náměstí je někdo určitě nasměruje.
A třetí situace - jdete na první rande, které je děsně fajn a trhá rekordy v mnoha ohledech, nicméně člověk sedící proti vám sem tam vypustí větu plánující vaši společnou budoucnost za půl roku a víc. S člověkem, kterého znáte v řádu hodin přece neplánujete seznamování s kamarády, natožpak společnou letní dovolenou. Moje obvyklá nedůvěra mě vede k závěru, že si možná muži myslí, že to ženy chtějí slyšet a tak to říkají, aby v ženách vytvořili iluzi zájmu o dlouhodobý vztah. Mě to ale děsí a chce se mi začít utíkat.
Jak na small talk, aby se do toho člověk nezamotal, když má tendenci nad tématem nebo situací, ve které small talk používá, hned začít přemýšlet? Jak moc filtrovat myšlenky a informace, které člověk sdílí, i když si je myslí/ví? A co když řeknete něco, co jste si jistí, že vyznělo jinak, než jak jste to mysleli - napravovat nebo nenapravovat drobná nedorozumění, která vznikají každý den? Až budu starým mužem pořídím si štětec a tuš a budu jen psát, ale do té doby je asi nutné s lidmi mluvit a reagovat hned a ne až si to dostatečně promyslím. Už abych byla osmdesátiletý transsexuál.

Mandl

Moje babička byla spořivá žena. Asi ji tomu naučil život - podporovala dva syny na vysoké škole ze svého platu zdravotní sestry, když byl dědeček už v důchodu. A pak asi druhá světová válka, která ji navykla vším šetřit. Taky nenávidět margarín a další náhražky.
Na některých věcech ale nešetřila - na pečení a pak taky celý život vozila ložní prádlo na mandl. Když pak už byla starší, vždycky požádala mého tátu nebo strýčka nebo pak bratra, aby jí ten velký kufr s navlhčeným prádlem na mandl odnesli. Pomatuju si, jak po přinesení z mandlu byl kufr otevřen a v něm byly krásně srovnané prostěradla a povlaky na peřiny a polštáře. A hlavně to celé vonělo. Nedokázala bych tu vůni popsat, ale pomatuju si jí úplně přesně. Měla jsem ji vždycky ráda a někdy jsem si chodila přivonět do skříně, kde babička vše měla uschované. Samozřejmě potají. Jako děti jsme tam měli zakázáno chodit, abychom ty přísně postavené komínky nerozházeli a pracně narovnané nezmuchlali.
Posledních pár let babiččina života jsem vždycky po příjezdu domů, k ní, doufala, že zrovna bude čas převlékání postelí. A že se budu moct večer zachumlat do voňavých peřin. Ta vůně byla ale tak nějak pořád spojená s babičkou a po její smrti jsem si nikdy nedovedla představit, že by se mi ji mohlo ještě někdy pošťastnit cítit.
Ale vesmír je milosrdnější a krutější zároveň. Povlečení, které od její smrti leželo ve skříni v těch úhledných hromádkách, se najednou vynořilo. A tak jsem se po roce, osmi měsících a šesti dnech od její smrti zavrtala do vonících peřin. A brečela jako malé dítě.

A Cloud

Things change and you almost become a productive optimist with a positive outlook on life. But nah, who were you kidding, you will always be the kid in black, listening to Depeche Mode or The Cure. Or is it just a short-timed lapse?
When we have a lot going on, there is hardly any time to stop to think. But when we occasionally do, what if in one case out of a hundred the thoughts turn dark and we feel like what we want in life, who we want to be is just out of our grasp. Does that happen to everyone from time to time? Is doubting ourselves a part of being human or are there people who never doubt what they've done or what they want or if they are capable of getting it?
Thank god, I am just about snapping out of this winter blues.

Note: Depeche Mode will always be awesome.
Note no.2: Why is it winter blues and not winter greys?

Passionate times

January has been a cold month of hot passion. I mean politics, naturally. If the Czech presidential election has been successful in one thing, it would be involving the public. Usually, people don't care much for politics and only few want to discuss it. Every minister, PM, MP is deemed a criminal and no-one believes it can ever change. So why bother.
But in this month even those uninterested suddenly found themselves discussing who is the best candidate, what are the flaws of his opponent(s) and what should be the decisive factors. As the campaign escalated and the first round narrowed the selection to just two candidates, things really started heating up. Are you team Zeman or team Schwarzenberg?...
The election is now over and two trends have appeared - those who want harmony, avoid further discussing politics since it brings only the opposite and demand the same of others, and those who just wouldn't stop. I am a member of the second half. Maybe because I am not able to accept that Mr Schwarzenberg has lost the election. Or maybe, because being political comes natural to me and I don't think that it should be limited to the pre-election hotheadedness. I believe in a more involved society. Yes, I am aware that a significant part of people thinks that obnoxious. But I don't see why keeping your mouth shut and carrying on should be deemed virtuous.

Don't you just want to share your life with someone? Does the solitary life make you happy? Tough questions especially when the good guy combined them with the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just a few years back, it was ok to do stupid stuff, make bad choices, fall for jerks and avoid relationships. But maybe, it has become a habit.
I have spent a lot of time persuading my emotions to stay hidden and to let reason decide, then I have spent a lot of time learning to listen to emotions and realizing that it's ok to act based on them, when it comes to relationships. Now, I am at square one all over again. Should I do the adult thing or let my need to start running away take over? Which is the reasonable and which is the emotional thing to do? In a time when I should (finally) start moving from childhood to adulthood in many aspects, relationships should probably be one of those aspects. I know that to make the right choices I need to answer those two questions honestly. But every time I think about them I am clueless.

People (and especially people I know) like to think that they are different than the rest. They have their unique way of thinking, their own opinions, conclusions, behaviour.. Yet from time to time, there are moments when a majority reacts in the same way with the same sentiment. It always scares me a little bit. Even those that are proud to be independent individuals become a crowd and reconfirm their opinion through the same sentiments around them. Don't get me wrong, I am probably no different. The question on my mind is: isn't it just our pride that makes us think that we are independent brainiacs, when in reality we are just a herd of sheep that has seen a wolf and we all instinctively run in the opposite direction?

Escorts with PhDs.

So, since I have been ill, I have allowed myself a few breaks during work and re-watched some episodes of the Secret Diary of a Call Girl. It is a TV show about escorting in the UK. Two things:

-it is based on a book written by a real call girl. I was surprised to find that the author actually has a PhD in forensic science and is currently a researcher. She says she needed to support herself when she wanted to become a researcher in London after finishing her PhD and escorting was the way to do it. Kinda broke the image of a prostitute one would have in mind.

-in the version I watched few years back there was a very strong scene with a great song playing in the background. I remember it, because I spent some time googling that song and consequently started listening to other music by the same singer. So imagine my surprise, when I watched the same scene and the music was completely different. I was not sure, if my memory was that bad, or if I had gotten crazy. What a mindfuck..
(I have searched for other copies of this scene and others had the song I remembered, so I am not a total nutjob.)

I thought that Christmas will be this magical time. Suddenly all my troubles would go away and all I would think about would be decorating the Christmas tree (we got a really fabulous one this year), cooking and celebrating.
Working for an NGO combined with a demanding master's studies, a high volume of lab work and a job has been taking its toll on me. So I hoped I would be able to take a step back, relax and just do nothing for a few days. I was stupid to think that. Now I'm sick (virus received with compliments from my brother), there is plenty of work to be done by the end of the year and no time to do it. Gotta love the "holidays".

It is easy to become attached to someone. Either you instantly click or you spend some time together and before you know it, you get to know and understand the goals, ideals, hopes and dreams of the other person (at least to some extent). They stop being a stranger, a part of the faceless mass, and start being a part of your world.
And yet, what matters the most and what defines everything is your motivation for getting close with someone and their motivation for getting to know you.

High school crushes

- there are those that you don't get. You can't even believe that you had them. You start considering if your hormone levels were through the roof, to the moon and out of the solar system. You decide to pretend that it never happened since you don't want to deal with such a lapse of judgement.
- then, there are those that even after so many years are not gone. Somehow, the feeling is always there, has always been there, and you wonder. Then, suddenly, out of the blue, you don't have to wonder anymore. You need to make a decision. You might not be sure if it is your residual feelings, your real feelings or just curiosity, but you can't help wanting to give it a shot. Crazy? So what?