When academically failing I try to motivate myself to do better. But when I am failing even at that I just feel like giving up. Even when I studied for something, I am still not able to do great. Is it the fact that I am not intelligent enough? Or is it laziness? Or what?! I am pissed at myself. Sinking into depression. What´s wrong with me?

Manželka jak se sluší a patří?

V domění, že jako správná česká hospodyně bych neuspěla, jsem se rozhodla ovládnout recepty jako knedlík, svíčková, omáčky atd. Začala jsem hned tím prvním - babiččin 50 let starý recept na houskové knedlíky(nekynuté, se sněhem z bílků) miluju, a tak jsem vydyndala návod na přípravu. Zatím cvičím správný poměr sněhu ke krupici a délku vaření, dosavadní výsledky nejsou špatné, ale prostor pro zlepšení jistě je.
Když jsem babičku o svých pokrocích víkendu v Olomouci informovala, začala rozvíjet jeden ze svých monologů, tentokrát na téma, co správná hospodyně uměla a věděla. Nějak se časem dostala k tomu, jak se ona ptala své matky(mé prababičky), jak je to s tou postelí, že před svatbou je to fuj a po je to svátost manželská. Na dotaz prý moje prababička reagovala okřiknutím, že je taková nemravná a že to má určitě od těch doktorů(babička byla zdravotní sestra), že ti jsou zvířata, a následným útěkem z místnosti. Tak by mě zajímalo, kdo zkazil tu celou generaci dnešních žen, že se nejen ptají, ale i konají.

Compulsive behaviour

I find that sometimes it is just hard to stop. If it is easy to do something and you have already done it in the past, why not do it again? Even when you know it is not what you are supposed to be doing. Like eating fries, making out with a jerk, watching a bad movie you secretly like, reading gossip online even when your mother taught you that people reading gossip are bad, wasting your time on FB, seeing the world in black and white etc.. Why is it so easy to judge other people but very hard to change our own behavioural patterns?

Feeling old

Sounds paradoxical when 21 year old person says she is feeling old. Or does it? There is so much to do, so little time. And now and then you stop for a moment and think about your choices. Things you did and you shouldn´t have, things you should have done and you didn´t, things that could have been different. What matters is if at the end of the day you are left with regrets or hope. So which one is it?

Memory loss

I don´t know what is wrong with me. I realized that lately there are pieces missing in my memory(no, it is not alcohol related) and that had never happened before. Usually when I focus I can find lost stuff just by remembering exactly where and when I last had it. My memories sometimes go as far as describing the exact clothes other people wore, the weather on a particular day or what kind of food I ate. But now I am not able to remember doing even the simple things. Has my brain given up? Or is it just a part of getting older and eventually senile?

When one realizes how close one is to getting kicked out of school, it is definitely time to freak out. Am I that dumb? Or that lazy? Or both? Will knowing that I cannot fail motivate me enough? I just want to slap myself hard enough to wake up from this weird state of mind that is lasting for somewhat a year and a half now.

Deal breakers

Is a bad kisser non-negotiable? Can you teach a guy how to kiss? Just two questions that popped up in my head at the end of a date with a really great guy when he kissed me. Hmm.