New Year´s Eve

NYE sucks.
Just like every year I dont really wanna celebrate the NYE. It all seems awfully artificial. We decide that this one day is the end of the year and that we need to party. Everyone is expected to go out and have fun. Feels forced.
However I am aware of the fact that by 7pm tomorrow I would have started feeling like a total loser, had I decided to stay in for the evening. So I need to make a decision - which of the parties (that i dont particularly like) to attend. NYE is gonna be so much fun!

Feeling Christmassy Yet?

Since I was working till the 23rd, I barely had time to buy gifts, let alone get into the right mood. Christmas have always been about family for me and so this year I was expecting it to be hard to accept that there are only 4 chairs occupied, where there should have been 5 of us enjoying the Christmas dinner. Maybe that was the reason I was avoiding the Christmas season in the first place.
My grandma´s absence was certainly felt and we all missed her, but it turned out to be fine family festivities. However it did not feel like Christmas. I am still waiting for the right mood to kick in. Maybe my mind has decided to skip Christmas altogether while my body kept going through the motions.
But the eleven-hours-of-sleep-per-night average of the past 6 days is not so bad afterall.

Be careful what you (secretly) wish for?

The hopes and dreams that we have for ourselves are not the trickiest ones. The trickiest ones are those that we have for other people. We expect them to become who we would like them to become, do things we expect them to do, grow in the way we wish for.
The hopes that we have for someone, with someone, become a part of our love and affection for that person. We don´t admire and respect just the person standing in front of us, but also who that person can be.
If for some reason the people around us cannot (or just won´t) fulfill the dreams that we have for them, we feel cheated. And we have two or three options. Accept who they have become and love them for it, which, sadly, does not happen all that often. Or we wait around and continue hoping that the anticipated turn of events is still possible.
Or, and this is the last and very common option, we start resenting the objects of our affection. We see fault in the mere fact that they are not, who we thought they could be. We feel that we cannot really blame them, especially since it might not even be their choice (or lack of it) that prevented the development. In some cases it could have been a disability or lack of talent or death or in other cases it could have been a love or infatuation that faded. Yet the bitterness stays with us and influences our actions and we might not even be aware of its effects..

Discovering New Flavours

Over the past two months or so, I have tried a lot of new food (partially thanks to my employer). It started with sushi, but it definitely did not stop there. General observation is that if you have a good cook, almost anything can be delicious!
I found that beef tongue is actually nice and tasty, but that the structure, namely the appearance of taste buds is pretty revolting.
Les escargots or in English - snails are tasty but also kinda chewy. If you eat more than just a few, they become somewhat disgusting and vomit-inducing, even though they tasted great at the beginning. Recommend them as an entree but definitely not as a main course.
Crème brûlée is good but tastes a lot like the Czech pudding that you make from milk and the powder that comes in 8Kc-a-piece packet. Yes, there is the caramel crust on the top, that is an added value but overall crème brûlée is not that impressive.
To be continued.

Online Tests

You can use internet to test almost anything. From creating a medical diagnosis based on your symptoms (you fill them in the test and wait for the word "cancer" to appear on your screen) to counting your sobriety based on last night´s consumption to finding out what your perfect male companion looks like. Sometimes you use the tests to amuse yourself, sometimes you are really interested in what the result is going to be. I have had two encounters with tests of different sorts in the past week or so.
First time I wanted to find out how much of a smartass I am. Since my roommate is constantly teasing me about being from "Asian village" (meaning I am from Olomouc and not Prague) the goal of taking the test was to prove that I have detailed knowledge of one of the things typical for Prague - the subway/metro/underground, whichever is the right term. I took time picking the answers, but when I pressed the button to get my result, I was asked to give the website the access to my FB profile, which I refused. After repeating the action for a few times, I finally acknowledged the sad reality - unless I give them my personal information, I will never find out, if I was right or wrong. Pissed me off. Especially since they could have warned me before I spent my time on the test..
Second time was a few minutes ago, when one of my friends on FB posted a test that helps you determine your biological age. I tried to be as critical of my lifestyle as possible, so that I would get a realistic answer. Even though the results were satisfying (apparently my body is cca 5 years younger than the number of candles on my birthday cake would suggest), I got angry a little when I saw some of the options that got the highest number of points = those that were supposed to be the right ones. Since eating only low-fat dairy products is not healthy just like using animal fats is not wrong, I am not sure that whoever wrote the test can be trusted. I know, I know, the test was never to be trusted in the first place, but girl can´t help herself from time to time.. Does this mean that my "find your perfect guy" test result is not to be trusted as well?

Working in the Office

Though it seems like the easiest job there is, working at reception is nowhere near undemanding. I used to think that all receptionists care about is looking pretty, which includes, but is not limited to, doing their nails while on the job. As it turns out, I could not have been further from the truth (at least when it comes to my employer).
After a while of working for the company, it sometimes becomes difficult to keep it together. Especially when one is extensively criticised for every tiny mistake or even the impression of a mistake or even when one just does the job right but doesn´t use the right words, when talking about it, which might possibly lead someone to the conclusion that one did not do it 100% right. I used to think that I was constantly overthinking everything, now it seems I am not thinking enough.
On the bright side - the pressure that forces everyone at work to deal with the problems instead of avoiding them, teaches me how to do the same. Maybe sometime in the near future, I will know how to work at a relationship (of any kind), so that I don´t end up pretending that other ppl´s flaws imperfections don´t exist/I don´t mind them even when I do.

Reading

Since the headphones connector on my cell stopped working properly a while ago, I have gone back to books (when travelling). Not only have I finished one book, I am almost done with another. It was nice to be reminded of how much I love reading.

A partially related thought:
"When she´d made up her mind about somebody, it was the height of boredom to wait for the man to seduce her." (A Widow For One Year, John Irving)

If the woman would have decided not to wait for the man to seduce her, had she decided to seduce him, to him she would no longer be even worth seducing (of course that would not change the fact that he would sleep with her).
I have gotten used to the fact that sometimes there is nothing that could be done about the way things work. You just have to accept it. Does not mean that I think it is reasonable or logical.

Love the quote.

Emo evening

I am jealous of songs. They are able to say I love you without hesitation or regret. Always sharing the emotion to the fullest. I can´t do that. I was able to say I love you only once. In a past tense. Drunk. Late at night. When I (probably) did not feel that way anymore. Why is it so easy for singers to sing I love you songs, singing I miss you, I will never get over you or even I hate you, I wish you were never born etc.? I have never been able to share emotions so raw so openly. Maybe I have never loved enough or maybe I have never been in the right relationship. Or maybe it is just who I am. Someone unable to say I love you.

Sushi

I lost my sushi virginity today. I had great sushi (for lunch and dinner) and I tried everything - nigiri, maki, california roll, seattle roll, something that looked like maki but was like 4 times bigger (is maki defined by size or not?)...
Even though I liked sushi and I am no longer frightened by the idea of raw meet in my food, I did not feel overwhelmed or amazed. Yes, it was pleasant, but it was not the greatest thing ever. Is that what losing one´s virginity should feel like?

Dinner ehm meetings

You have a really bad day, but you don´t wanna cancel, so you suck it up, make yourself presentable and try to look happy, friendly and easy-to-talk-to. Later you find yourself sitting at a table with a guy, who you maybe kinda like, eating dinner and you know that almost everything that comes out of your mouth is just wrong. You know that the other person is/will be reaching conclusions that are not only a far cry from the impression that you wanna make, but that these conclusions make you look like a completely different person, usually someone that you yourself would have hated. But somehow you just can´t help yourself.
I guess the good thing about this is that when the guy still wants to kiss you/make out/sleep with you, you know that he probably wasn´t really interested in who you are in the first place.

Don´t know how it works with other women, but I never understood why men think, that they can get you drunk and you will sleep with them. Women, or at least this one, know beforehand if it is a yes or a no.
Yes can be easily changed to no, but no stays no, no matter what.

Stavební spoření

http://aktualne.centrum.cz/ekonomika/penize/clanek.phtml?id=719821

Fenomén stavebního spoření je velmi rozšířený mezi českými rodinami. Ve většině případů mě známých rodiče/prarodiče našetřené peníze daly dětem/vnoučatům, aby "měly něco do začátku". Pak je ale také opačný případ, kdy rodiče uzavřou na děti smlouvy, ale berou peníze na účtu jako svoje. Dalo by se říct, že tak vlastně zneužijí jména svého dítěte k uzavření smlouvy a zároveň podvedou/podvedli stát, který chtěl vyplácet podporu pro každého jednotlivce se smlouvou, ale takhle vlastně nechtěně víckrát podpořil jednoho člověka-rodiče.
Pak jsou také případy, kde nejen, že rodiče peníze vezmou a utratí podle svého uvážení, ale vezmou si ještě na potomka půjčku. Což jde sice jen u dospělých potomků, kteří jsou k tomu svolní, ale dejte košem vlastním rodičům.. Argumenty typu: "rychle a řádně splacená půjčka bude skvělá položka v tvojí finanční historii a spíš ti někdy ještě půjčí, až to budeš potřebovat, takže ti vlastně pomáháme," a: "stejně ten dům jednou zdědíš," jsou ale stejně spíš výsměch.

Balancing 2 jobs, lectures, bachelor´s thesis and an eye infection can be a little difficult (and time consuming) especially if you are trying to have a social life (trying being the operative word there). One really appreciates the extra hour that she gets because of the time change (summer time as a concept is still a dumb idea though).
The stress is getting to me. I have had terrible case of insomnia last night after quite a while of insomnia-free existence.
On the plus side, I am really looking forward to going to work tomorrow morning, weird, huh?

Zlozvyk

Měli jste nějaký zlozvyk. Snažili jste se z něj vyléčit. Jakš takš se vám to podařilo, i když asi ne úplně. Jenže v mezičase ho od vás někdo chytil. A teď pokaždé, když se potkáte, zjišťujete, jak strašně otravný ten váš zlozvyk je. Na jednu stranu nic vám nepomůže se ze zlozvyku vyléčit rychleji a definitivněji, než když to vidíte na někom jiném. Na druhou stranu teď budete pořád trestáni za to, že jste si ten zlozvyk vůbec vytvořili, jeho otravnou přítomností v někom jiném.

Headed to the World of Corporate Culture

Getting a job at X as a receptionist, I realized that there is an exciting(?) new world for me to enter. The world of corporate culture, starting with the dress code. I now belong into the tiny percentage of people who have to wear suits for work. (9% in the US, it is probably even less in the Czech republic.)
But when I finally thought about it, I found that I have no suitable clothing for the "business formal" (Mo-Th) and that my most formal wear can only be used for "casual Friday". Not to mention that I found out that I lost weight in the worst way possible - by realizing that even the smallest sizes won´t fit (later confirmed by the scales). Since jackets and other formalwear is usually not sold in the kid´s sizes, I am probably doomed.
____________________________________________________________

Vstupní prohlídka u doktora:
"Tak se svlékněte, vlastně, počkejte, nejdřív vám změřím tlak."
Doktor provede měření
"Všechno dobré, ale ten tep máte nějak strašně zrychlený, vy se mě bojíte?"
"Ne, já se jen stydím svlékat před cizím mužem."

Job Hunting

I have really not picked the best time to look for a job. It is hard to get an interview(for one to screw up), let alone a paying job.
After more-than-an-hour-long interview at X(US consulting firm) for a receptionist job, I feel like the HR person knows me better than my mother(which is actually not that shocking, my mum just gave me a velvet scrunchie and expects me to wear it). It seems that when X hires a receptionist they need to thoroughly explore her values, opinions, hobbies, not only past job experience but also completely unrelated experiences, priorities in life, possible carreer aspirations etc. All the hard questions that I have not really dealt with just yet, being asked within the span of one hour. It probably wasn´t the brightest idea not to have the perfect rehearsed answers ready.
Guess I´ll just have to continue looking while I figure out who I wanna be when I grow up.
___________________________________________

Well, I got the job, so I must have done something right. Still find it funny though that for a receptionist position, you need to go on a long and very thorough interview to be even considered.

"You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles." TBBT´s new episode is hillarious.

Den Dé

Očekávání se zvyšují, napětí roste, blíží se nějaký klíčový moment, kdy se věci změní, nebo by se mohly změnit. Člověk je ve stresu, bojí se, taky trochu těší. Pokud je člověk jako já, tak je navíc nervózní a špatně spí.
A pak je to najednou tady. Okamžik přijde, přejde a zmizí. A ... nic. Byli jste před tím, budete i potom. Nějak.
Měl by se dostavit pocit vítězství, úspěchu, hrdosti na sebe sama. Jste skvělí, protože jste to všechno zvládli. To přece musí cítit všichni ti závodníci ve formulích, co dojedou první a pak sebe a ostatní kropí bublinkami, ne?
Jenže já vždycky cítím akorát úlevu, že už je to za mnou, že mě to nemusí trápit.
Pak následuje hnusný dojezd z rauše, který ani nebyl, ve kterém mě doženou všechny potlačované a odkládané věci, které je potřeba prožít, udělat, vypořádat se s, zajistit. Najednou mi dojde, že jsem jako každý rok zapomněla na jaře zaplatit poplatek za odpad na olomouckém magistrátě, že jsem ještě nereklamovala boty, které jsem měla reklamovat před měsícem a milion dalších podobných věcí. Pak mě popadne každoroční koncozářijová sebedestruktivní tendence a chuť na cigaretu. Možná jsem se měla polít nějakým alkoholem, třeba se to vstřebává kůží a funguje jinak, a proto jsou ti vítězové ve formuli takoví usměvaví.

mám tě rád

Není zákeřnější slovní spojení. V reakci na tuhle větu o třech slovech se lámou skeptici a ti s nadějí. Ti první vidí cit přátelský, ti druzí zamilování. Nejhorší je slyšet je od člověka, kterého v podstatě neznáte a nevíte, komu, kdy a hlavně z jakých důvodů, s jakou motivací tohle říkává. Nakonec tak říct: "mám tě rád," vlastně nic neznamená, když si to druhý nemůže nebo neumí správně vyložit.
Analogie je třeba pusa na čelo a v některých vymykajících se případech i polibek na rty.

Běh pro ženy (5 km)

Po dnešním běhu pro ženy se samými ženami mám ženy rázem mnohem míň ráda. Před startem i po startu se chovaly spíš jako hejno splašených slepic spíš než jako lidi. Ach jo.
Ve spojení se špatnou organizací a vyššími než ideálními teplotami je celkový zážitek o kus horší než z 10 km v Olomouci v červnu. Třeba se na jaře dočkám lepších akcí.

Shopping

Co se týče nakupování, jsou asi dvě hlavní věci, které mě ničí:

1) Prodavačky a prodavači
Při příchodu do obchodu si vás změří pohledem, pozdraví vás, protože mají naučeno, že pozdravený člověk bude s menší pravděpodobností krást a pak na vás hodí bobek, protože dojdou k závěru, že si nic ve skutečnosti koupit nechcete. Když byste pomoc potřebovali, žádné se vám nedostane. Když už přijdete až za nimi a přímo je oslovíte s nějakou žádostí, vyhoví vám, ale bude to s naštvaným nebo povýšeným výrazem v obličeji. Takových prodavaček a prodavačů díky bohu není dnes už tolik a v Praze je jich rozhodně o mnoho méně než třeba v Olomouci, ale ještě zdaleka nevymizeli.
Dnešní příklad ze Sephory - stojím u nabídky kosmetiky(která nepatří k tomu nejlevnějšímu, co je na trhu) a viditelně hledám nějakého z prodavačů, aby mi pomohl s výběrem. Okolo jich projde několik, ale nikdo se nemá k tomu, aby se mi věnoval. Jedna prodavačka si dokonce všimne paní okolo čtyřicítky stojící za mnou (která nevypadá na to, že by akutně potřebovala asistenci) a pošle k ní kolegyni. A já tam stojím jako blb.

2)Nekonfekčnost konfekčních velikostí
Vím, že deprese z toho, že je mi tričko velikosti 34 příliš velké, je jen můj problém, měla jsem se (podle názoru výrobců oblečení) narodit ramenatější, prsatější, s širším hrudníkem, větším břichem a rozhodně širším pasem. Co mi ale nejde do hlavy, jsou kusy oblečení, které jedním rozměrem absolutně vybočují. Jako když tričko velikosti XS, které je tak akorát uzké a tak akorát dlouhé má výstřih, ze kterého vyléza polovina podprsenky(návrhář byl asi heterosexuální nadržený chlap bez vkusu), nebo sedí výstřihem a šířkou, ale najednou má délku pod zadek. Nebo když jsou šaty úzké(pas, prsa) a najednou jsou ramena strašně široká. (A ne, nemyslím "zajímavé módní prvky" u jednotlivých střihů, to je záležitost na jinou, mnohem rozsáhlejší, esej). Jo, jsou holky, které mají velikost podprsenky 70E, ale není jich(bohužel?) mnoho. Stejně jako většina žen nemá 2 metry. Nemají ke drobné konstituci najednou olbřímí ramena atd.

PPM

Možná jsem jediná a možná taky ne. Čas od času mám pocit, který ze všeho nejvíc nesnáším. Pocit pomalého mozku. Mozek běží, ale jsem si vědomá toho, že tak na 30% kapacity. Je to jako by mi chyběla ruka. Nejde s tím nic dělat, jen čekat až to přejde.
Pocit pomalého mozku přichází obzvlášť při nedostatku spánku, někdy se objeví i jindy. Většinou naschvál v okamžiku, kdy je to nejmíň potřeba.
Zajímalo by mě, jestli hloupějším lidem mozek tímto způsobem prostě jen (ne)funguje dlouhodobě.

Dressing down

In the Czech republic dressing down is the necessary means of survival. Since dressing up or just wearing what one consider´s "normal" results in some raised eyebrows, weird questions or not-so-funny remarks, knowing when to dress down has become crucial if one wants to avoid the unwanted attention. Some ladies don´t care if they are considered overdressed and I applaud them. However when I am meeting people who are used to me wearing worn-out jeans and sneakers(kinda water under the bridge), I try to leave skirts, dresses and heels at home. Maybe it´s better to dress appropriately for one´s standards and not for the standards of others, but hell, I don´t want to keep explaining that clothes, just like feelings and opinions, change with time.

Creatures of habit

Dealing with new and/or unexpected situations is stressful and demanding. If people do only the things they know, they are also rarely caught off guard, unprepared. They don´t have to stay alarmed. They don´t have to use their brains to think about all moves that they are about to make.
Somehow humans are built to create habits. Habits that we repeat every day, over and over again. Habits that control our behaviour even when they are no longer beneficial.
Once we get used to something it becomes very hard to stop doing it.
It applies to the way we cut vegetables, the choice of food and drinks in a restaurant or even to talking to other people. The pattern of behaviour, once formed, stays the same.

Žít se ženou

-zahrnuje příliš mnoho konverzace. Ženy mají potřebu mluvit, mluvit, mluvit. Ty méně upovídané jsou ok, ale jakmile jsou jen slabě nad průměrem, je to už k nepřežití. Možná je to věc názoru, ale popisovat činnosti, které žena zjevně v danou chvíli dělá, typu ohřívám si jídlo v mikrovlnce apod., je opravdu zbytečné. Natožpak se o tom snažit vést rozhovor.
-je náročné na rozum. Ženy(respektive jejich většina) mají tendenci chovat se nelogicky a naštvávat se kvůli blbostem. Věc, která je vždycky jedno, je najednou problém. Jak se má člověk orientovat v neústále se měnících pravidlech, které jsou navíc ukryté hluboko v něčí hlavě?
-je náročné na nervy. Náladovost některým ženám vlastní je chvílemi opravdu k zbláznění.
-je náročné na sebeúctu. Spousta žen má tendenci snažit se dosáhnout svých drobných cílů drobnou manipulací, velkých cílů velkou manipulací. Člověk si je vědom, že je s ním manipulováno a jak, ale radši než říct: "Proč mi to neřekneš přímo?", což by vyvolalo naštvání(viz body 2 a 3), je jednoduší to neřešit a udělat to, co žena chce. Jenže pak se člověk cítí jako blbec bez vlastní vůle a sebeúcty.

Tento text je odporně generalizující, založený na naštvání a náladovosti autorky, která cítí potřebu si o tom popovídat.

Lies, white lies, honesty, brutal honesty, just plain rude

Pohled na politickou korektnost v Česku

Kde je přesně hranice mezi v nadpise uvedenými? People often seem to mistake one for another.

Homo Radottiensis

Radotín je území vysoce specifické. Mimo jiné zde najdeme i Člověka radotínského, také známého jako Radotíňák. Na rozdíl od Homo Pragensis se vyznačuje především výrazně odlišnými kulturními i oděvními zvyklostmi. Dnes se budeme věnovat především samečkům.

Odívání:
Každý Radotíňák dobře ví, jaká uniforma se sluší a patří. Pro každodenní nošení se nejlépe hodí volné plážové kraťasy, sandály s ponožkami a ideálně odhalený břuch, pokud je chladněji, je možné zvolit lehký nátělník. Mladí samečci dávají najevo svoji převahu především stažením kraťasů do půle zadku, někdy i se spodním prádlem, někdy spodní prádlo ani nemají. K čemu taky.
Pro slavnostní příležitosti se hodí to nejelegantnější - pořádně seprané džíny a nějaké vyšisované tričko. Ale to je opravdu jen pro ty speciální okamžiky, na běžné nošení by toho byla škoda. Mladí samečci se ovšem potřebují předvádět před samičkami, a tak preferují slavnostní oblečení i pro běžné situace, ve kterých by mohli na nějakou ženu narazit.

Volnočasové aktivity:
Každý radotínský muž ví, že nejlépe se zabaví v hospodě. V dnešních těžkých časech je ale potřeba šetřit, a tak se volí i z jiných možnosti. Mezi nejoblíbenější patří jednoznačně tato: Muži v počtu 15-20 se sejdou u cesty mezi panelákovým sídlištěm a nádražím, kde vybalí pivo lahvové i plechovkové a začnou popíjet. V případě, že okolo jde žena(jakéhokoliv věku a vzezření), jmou se zuřivě dohadovat, zda by jim dotyčná vykouřila či ne. Pokud ano, nastává krok hodnocení očekávané kvality, pokud ne, následuje hromada nadávek na frigidnost ženy. Tato zábava vydrží hodiny a hodiny a poskytuje příslušníkům rodu Homo Radottiensis velké potěšení.
Méně náročnou, trochu méně zábavnou, ale zároveň o to rozšířenější variantou je prosté obdivné hvízdání, kdykoliv žena prochází okolo muže. (Je možno doplnit i pokřikováním a pozvánkami na místní kulturní akce.) Již dlouhé roky si badatelé lámou hlavy důvody pro toto chování, neb samiček druhu Homo Radottiensis není nijak tragický nedostatek. Jedna z teorií je, že se jedná o unikátní rituál námluv.

Zaměstnání:
Místní jsou buď zaměstnaní v blízké cementárně, dojíždí do Prahy(ti vzdělaní) či pracují v některém z místních obchodů či hostinců. Zaměstnání v Radotíně jsou vysoce náročná, i proto si místní otevřou lahváč ihned po odchodu z práce a na autobusových zastávkách si stěžují na to, jací jsou ti zákazníci hajzli.

Výzkum oblasti výskytu Člověka radotínského dále probíhá a my budeme laskavého čtenáře dále informovat o nejnovějších zjištěních(ať chce, či nechce).

Vzpomínky se probudí až děsivě snadno. Člověk ucítí nějakou vůni ve vzduchu. Otevře po pár letech knihu a najde jízdenku, kterou ji založil. Ve skříni je zapadlé tričko, které od daného momentu nenosil. Uvidí film, ve kterém někdo použije konkrétní gesto. Stane se událost, která by byla vyvolala diskuzi. Nastane čas zavařování okurek. Člověk upeče dort...
Vzpomínky se probudí až děsivě snadno a nejde s tím bojovat. Jen to zvládnout a pak udělat další krok směrem do budoucnosti.

The more I think about it, the more I find respect crucial for a relationship. Either I am getting wise or just old, but love is not enough (in itself). It is the respect for the other person and the other person´s respect for you that makes the relationship work. The weird thing is that one can be in love without respecting the object of her/his affection. Took me quite a while to realize that.

Still standing

In the past the hardest thing for me to imagine (and to do) was being in a serious committed relationship. But living through the worst month of my life made me reconsider that. It would be nice to be with someone I could lean on. Especially since my friends (when I tell them all the stuff that has been going on) don´t know how to act around me and that makes me feel like a leper at times. Yes, I would not know how to act were the situation reversed, but I have not become mentally ill or retarded and I don´t need anything but the sense of normality and/or someone to get terribly drunk with.

The curse of having one´s IQ measured

Since I now know my IQ and it does not explain my lack of academic achievements at all, the only reasonable conclusion is that I am lazy. Not living up to the potential that I am supposed to possess is a little disappointing. Then again, maybe the test was wrong and I am dumb after all. Would be a relief..

Thoughts on grief 2

Mascara or any eye-makeup in general is a stupid idea, even if you think you are ok.
You needn´t worry about what you are going to wear at the funeral since your relatives are going to be very, ehm, representative - sneakers with a suit(worn by a sixty-something-year-old woman) or hair that has not been washed for like a week(my 25-year-old cousin(a girl)) are just some of the highlights.
A coffin will always seem too tiny for a person you loved.
Cats don´t like moving to a different city.
Whiskey and/or whisky go well with grieving.
Funerals bring strange serenity.

Thoughts on grief

If I am going through the "five stages of grief", then I must be in phase one - denial.
At times, it is almost like nothing happened. For a few minutes I forget. Then it comes back and I remember.
The weirdest thing is that I feel more stable than ever before in my life. Does not mean that I do not feel this hole in my soul, but (with one exception) I have not done anything crazy(at least not crazy enough to qualify as crazy compared to my other crazy) and I did not act out in the past three weeks.
Cooking and running are a good therapy.
I won´t be let to continue being in denial on Saturday and I am scared.

Oh, this is going to be fun!

So this 22 year old girl, not a virgin, who drinks alcohol, who does not believe in any god or religion, is pro-choice, pro gay marriage and does not keep the sabbath holy is going to attend a marriage ceremony of two deeply religious Roman Catholics.

Morality in health care

The health care system in the Czech republic is deeply flawed - everybody is trying to get preferential treatment based on either who they know or even worse by bribery. I have never been able to do or tolerate either. Yes, I wouldn´t know how to bribe anyone, but I also don´t think that that is the way the system should work. It should distribute health care based on who needs it the most. (Yes, there should be the option to pay for higher quality materials or more complicated and expensive surgeries that are not paid for by health insurance, but you should not be able to threaten someone´s life or well being by getting ahead of them in the queue just because you know someone in the hospital).
The problem is that when somebody you love needs a surgery, the persuation goes to hell and the black-and-white world suddenly seems to turn into all shades of grey. Many people(myself included) would do anything to get their loved ones the best care they can get. It might be the reason why the system is not working, but doing your best to protect your family and friends is inevitably a part of human nature. As long as doctors and hospitals are willing to tolerate this corruption, nothing is going to change.
Having one member of my family in the hospital right now and another going there in a few days time I should be happy about the status quo(my family has a few doctor friends) and I am. It´s just that it seems like I failed at the same time.

Neuvěřitelné se stalo skutkem

Poprvé ve svém životě se po několika dnech strávených se svojí matkou necítím hůř ale mnohem mnohem líp. Nějak jsem začala být optimistická a věřím, že babička bude v pořádku. Netrápí mě, že nevidím lidem do hlavy a že nevím, co vlastně chtějí říct vágními, matoucími nebo protichůdnými prohlášeními a činy. Jestli chtějí, abych něco pochopila, musí to mé natvrdlé hlavě naservírovat blbuvzdorným způsobem. Nestresuju se ze 2 zkoušek a 1 zápočtu v příštích třech dnech. Neřeším podivné sny, které se mi uplynulý týden zdály a přisuzuji je nejprve lékům a bolesti a pak kocovině. Úspěšně se mi podařilo zapomenout na vraždu slepýše, kterou jsem asi včera spáchala pouhým něžným dotykem. Odmítám řešit booty calls, které má vůbec někdo tu drzost udělat po dvou rande. Ať si myslí kdo chce co chce, I am not that kind of girl.
Ať si mě vesmír klidně snaží rozhodit, já se nenechám!
(Nikdy jsem si nemyslela, že by takový efekt mohla mít zrovna moje rodina.)

You know that few really shitty days when everything just seems to go the worst possible way? Well, I must have pissed the universe off real bad. I am so worried about my grandma who was admitted to the hospital and don´t know how to deal with the possibility of losing her.
In times like this there are moments when I just wish to hide from the world in somebody´s, well, anybody´s arms. But then I remind myself that that´s not the right way to deal with stuff and that I cannot go into hiding. Even if it means hurting more, I cannot run away.

"Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qemWRToNYJY

There are the memorable firsts in a girl´s life. First bra, first kiss, first boyfriend, first love(the order is strictly optional)... But then comes one first of a very different kind - the one when a guy starts saying that his girlfriend and him don´t really get along very well, that she does not understand him, does not get him. That he just needs someone to talk to because she no longer listens. That he needs a friend and that it should be you.
Makes me wonder if women are really dumb enough to buy that.

What running does to a person..

I could not help but observe all the magic that relatively simple and undemanding thing like running can do. It helped with the syndrome of cold feet(..., and cold hands), insomnia, weight, strength and stamina. Plus I finally felt like I was alive.
The terrible part of this story is that as soon as I have made a few-day pause(debate tournament), old issues started to reappear - especially the insomniac part of me was awakened. So it seems that running is not just a pleasure or simply a physical activity that everyone should engage in from time to time, but it also became a necessity for me.

I am not sure how to describe this without sounding hypocritical/unable to see myself in the mirror..

Politeness is a value put aside these days. Even those, who claim that they abide by its rules, often seem to forget, what is polite and what is not.
In discussions about current affairs, political situation, possible changes or laws proposed etc., be it in the debating club, a coffee place or in a pub, it is ok to disagree, let the other party know about that and argue passionately about the aspects of the issue.
However when it comes to normal every-day interactions, I get (not sure how to describe the feeling exactly) disgruntled by other people´s need to attack the views of the other person/insist on knowing 100% that someone is wrong/knowing what is right for them and the others etc. Even when talking about some book or a movie, it is rather unnecessary to engage in a conflict - instead of saying "I know you are wrong", why don´t people bother to try to go for the more agreeable "I think it happened differently/In my opinion the zombies tried to eat the heroin´s head because she reminded them of the father that molested them/I don´t think she has apologized for her actions...".
It might sound very weird coming from me, since (at least to some) I seem to be an angry person, who argues about everything. If that is the case, I am sorry for being annoying and/or overbearing.

Self-destructive

This time I kept running faster and faster, until it hurt, until I was no longer able to think about stuff. Even better - my body is going to ache all over tomorrow. So from productive and healthy back to self-destructive and procrastinating.

Sčítání

--Original Message--
From: xxxxx@seznam.cz
Date: 13.3.2011 12:03:41
To: info@scitani.cz
Subject:

Dobry den,
bydlim na Xxxxxxxx xxxx/xx, Praha 5, 155 00 a vubec nam do schranky neprislo oznameni o tom, kdy k nam scitaci komisar prijde. Mohl/a byste mi prosim napsat, kde ziskam formular pro scitani?
S pozdravem
Kristyna Blazkova

16.4. 2011, 15:57

Dobrý den,

Při zpětné kontrole systémů elektronické pošty jsme nedohledali notifikaci, že Vám byla doručena odpověď na Váš dotaz zaslaný na info@scitani.cz.

Při kontrole bylo zjištěno, že v době kdy jste posílal váš e-mail, došlo v průběhu přechodu na nové technické zařízení k technickému problému, následkem čehož Vám nemusela být doručena odpověď na Váš dotaz.

Přijměte prosím naši omluvu za způsobené problémy.

S pozdravem
Petra Gazdíková CC SLD

Kočí

"Vím, že mě odposlouchávají, tak řeknu přesně to, z čeho mě oponenti podezřívají, abych jim vypálila rybník!"
Logika paní Kočí je opravdu nad mé chápání...
Česká politika je nad mé chápání
Česká média jsou nad mé chápání.

Jde o spor o ministerstvo vnitra a ODS je zjevně schopná zajít strašně daleko, aby ho získala. Musí se strašně bát buď kostlivců ve skříni, nebo ztráty koryt, moci a vlivu. Aktuálně se ale potápí sama. Možná i proto, že si za spojence vybrala blondýnu.

Few days ago, I bragged about being mature and confident enough not to share every detail of my life online, seeking validation from others. I am not. I am proud of myself for going running every day for the past 3,5 weeks and I want other people to know how fabulous I am:-)

Bárta založil ABL. Bárta je ve VV. Takže VV=ABL.
John je ve VV. ABL=VV. Takže John je spojený s ABL.
ABL je firma. VV jsou strana. VV=ABL. Takže ABL chce získat politickou moc přes VV.
VV se snaží získat politickou moc přes VV. VV mají ministerstva. Takže ABL získá zakázky ministerstev VV.
Kdokoliv z VV je ABL. VV mají ze své strany vybrat ministry nespojené s ABL. Takže Hlava XXII.
Do I even need to analyze the logical and factual flaws in this?

Potupa

Málo jsem tušila, že koupě bot se promění v ponížení. Vešla jsem plna očekávání do obchodu a jala se kochat mnohými krásnými běžeckými botami hrajících všemi barvami. Ale všechny mi přišly veliké. Pak jsem ale spatřila ty velikostí nejlépe odpovídající a zajásala jsem. Ukázalo se ale, že bota je dětská. Hmm. Oficiálně jsem byla zařazena mezi děti a Anička se mi celou cestu smála. Stejně jako prodavačka, která byla zjevně pobavena tím, že mi akorát byla ona maličká botka pro malé atlety.

Jogging is fun

Je skvělý pocit, když člověka přestane bolet každý další krok a může konečně pořádně běžet. Vzdálenosti, které se zdály být nemožnými, jsou překonány a laťka se posunuje. Noční můry z 1,5 km v hodině tělocviku na střední se zdají najednou býti vskutku směšnými. Jen kdyby se nezačaly ozývat klouby(kolena a kotníky). Asi se mi mé staré tělo snaží říct, že bych měla pořídit běžecké boty(ne obyč tenisky, ve kterých běhám teď). Anebo, že je na čase začít holdovat chrupavkám. Tak či tak, chci běhat dáááál!

Decision to start jogging every day was definitely the right one. It might actually solve all my problems, from insomnia to low blood pressure and fatigue. But I should have started slowly. After jogging every day for four days, my legs are sore and I can barely walk without looking like a crippled person.. Even though waking up an hour early just to go jogging before leaving to spend the whole day at the lab, made me feel like the hip modern woman who does it all. I want to experience that feeling again, but I should probably wait for my (almost non-existent) muscles to heal.

Sometimes the mind does what it wants without taking the heart into consideration. It wanders into the land of memories, of things long gone. Thinking about the what ifs and the maybes is painful for so many reasons, but the mind does it anyway. Sometimes, like right now, it is when I am conscious, sometimes it is during the so-valued sleep. I am not sure which is worse. When it happens when I am awake but I get the opportunity to overcome these thoughts by sleeping or when I am not in control and I cannot really blame myself for dreaming, but thoughts considered in sleep linger in my mind all of the following day?

It all seems so stupid
It makes me want to give up
But why should I give up
When it all seems so stupid
(DM)

When at least 3 people independently reach the conclusion that I have the same gestures, the same way of expressing myself like the bad actress from Twilight, it makes me wanna shoot myself. Kristýna is not Kristen and I am not waiting for a handsome vampire. How does one change her gestures?

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
________________________________________________________________________

I should finally give up on the naive idea that friendship between men and women is possible. The evidence to the contrary is mounting and can no longer be ignored.

Romance for new millenium

As we got used to the omnipresent sex, we are also changing our views on what constitutes a romance. At least that´s my impression of the current trends in movies. After Love and Other Drugs, No Strings Attached is opening this week and there are many more movies that make us think that the true romance is having casual sex and then realizing that you love each other. Hmm. 1 - it does not work that way 2 - sex is great, don´t get me wrong, but is this kind of a movie really a romance? Carrie asks in one episode of SATC if women in New York got used to living in a sugar-free existence meaning that they would not know romance if it was standing right in front of them. Maybe this now applies to all women and men in the Western society.
After reading what I have just written I am realizing that maybe I am an old-fashioned gal and a prude even though so many people(e.g. Muslims) on this planet would consider me a whore. Hmm.

Song that says everything about my mood today.

A, B, C, D, E

So A tells B that C is making D to move to a different country, B asks C if he is being fair to D, C asks D if he really wants to move, D says he does and he tells A that B told C, A asks B if she told C, B says she did, but did not mention A in any way, C and D just assumed that A was involved, B says to C that D told A that B told C that A and B might have concerns about D moving, which is not exactly what B said, C offers to show B the mail conversation with D to prove that he is not pushing D to move, B says that there is really no need and points out that this circle of A, B, C and D is kinda funny.
C then asks B about what she wrote to E, because E asked C if he knows about it. C replied to E that he does not know anything and calls B to ask what it is all about. B ensures C that what she wrote to E is between her and E and did not include C in any way. C is curious about what B wrote to E. B does not share that with C. E told C it was very angry and mean. C says that E needed to hear that, whatever it was that B wrote. B is confused by C wanting B to be mean to E, D and A being good friends, E telling C about what B wrote and assuming C knows about it, A, C, D and E chatting all the time and the complicated relations between all 5.

Facebook friends mystery

What puzzled me in the past week was the varying number of my Facebook friends. I would get that it decreases from time to time, since someone who you met years ago no longer wants to share their life with you and removes you from freinds. I do that to other people and I assume that other people do that to me(even though for some reason there is no notification for that). But that is not the reason why I was confused. What surprised me, was that the number of my friends grew without me approving any friend requests. How do you explain that one, huh?

Frozen in time?

Somehow it feels like when you are making a new acquaintance you set the rules in stone and they cannot be changed. You create relationship roles, patterns of behaviour, you get to know the person, well at least who that person is at that moment in time. But for some reason we don´t really notice the changes that people around us go through. Some people may think that a person can never change, but I don´t believe that is correct. It might not be an earth-shattering 180 degree transformation, but it is a pity that we generally don´t notice the small and yet important things that are different. For some reason we get stuck in time without the ability to change our perception of someone.

Funny, just as Valentine´s approaches every year, things turn to shit. You break up, you find out that the person you spent your time with has lied and/or was/is a jerk, indifference might turn into anger, you start thinking that all men are shit, which is unfair to all the good guys out there and to the lucky women who found them/were found by them.
I somehow see couples everywhere(maybe it´s just the fact that I think about it more) and I can´t find the right words that would describe the way I feel about that. It might be a combination of being happy for them, being so jealous of them while at the same time being happy with being single, plus maybe some anger at being made feel like the odd one out, which I actually am.
Somehow being an optimist gets easier with age though. I have always thought it would be the other way round. So, as I see the hearts and the red everywhere around me, I stay positive and believe in the good in people, even though this might just be the time of the year, when this turns into the hardest thing ever.

The Rules?

When it comes to relationships, there are few rules that are to be followed. One of them is that if you date one guy and you break up, you don´t start dating his friend. But what if you were never really officially in a relationship with the first guy, what if they are not close friends but rather acquaintances, what if... Can you break a rule without being the bitch who walks over people?
On an unrelated note - is it ok to make a relationship prejudice based on past experience with a specimen of the kind? Like if you dated let´s say a guy who liked fishing and he hurt you in the end(let´s say with a fish hook), can you make a rule of not dating fishermen? Well, of course you can do that, but is it ok? Then what do you do when you meet a cute and witty guy who asks you out, but also likes fishing?

Trpěla jsem pocitem, že žít bez internetu je strašné utrpení. Proto si dovedete představit, jak mě zaskočilo, když se můj laptop rozhodnul úplně umřít. Po asi šestém pokusu o zapnutí a šestém setkání se s černou obrazovkou jsem snahu vzdala a zavolala příteli na telefonu, který měl ale čas na opravu až večer. A tak jsem byla odsouzena ke dni bez počítače.
Neb nemám jiný přehrávač hudby, než laptop, byla jsem nucela vytáhnout rádio a poslouchat celý den hudbu z něj. Což bylo ještě docela ok, vzhledem k existenci Rádia Beat.
Překvapilo mě, kolik věcí člověk stihne udělat, pokud neexistuje možnost jen tak odskočit k počítači. Kromě dokonalého úklidu svého pokoje jsem zvládla nastříhat pexeso, otřít listy kytkám, přišít několik knoflíků, několik hodin v kuse jsem četla(což se mi kupodivu poslední dobou vůbec nedařilo), uvařila jsem si teplé jídlo, roztřídila poznámky z dvou a půl let studia, vyluštila dvě křížovky... Den bez počítače tak nakonec měl velice pozitivní bilanci. Budu si ho muset udělat častěji!

Never ever date a foreigner unless you are sure that(in this order):
-he wants to stay a while
-he has applied for the long-term visa(he won´t have to leave after 3 months and stay out of the country and the EU for the next 3 months)
-he is worth the increased risk of you getting hurt (and the ugly comments you get from people you meet)
Skipping steps number two and three is not worth it.

She's lonely
And he says
It's for her only
That he lusts
She doesn't trust him
Nothing is true
But he will do

Things that I ve never before hated so much:
-stupid immigration laws of the Czech Republic and the EU respectively
-people who do not do enough research to be able to deal with the stupid immigration laws on time
-the fact that I have actually cried/actually cry

So I went out with M the other night. We were sitting at a table in a bar, talking about all sorts of random stuff. He has just started telling me a story when a group of three or four sits at the next table. One of them, a Czech, a guy, stops M in the middle of a sentence and starts giving him shit about how being a foreigner does not mean he is cool and how he should not be talking, but rather listening to me, to what I say. (Just to be clear, we were having a normal conversation, he was just telling a story and there was no reason to interfere. Even if there were, it still would not be any of his business, but there wasn´t.)
The comments of that guy make me so pissed that I want to leave. M goes to pay the bill by the bar. I am sitting at the table, alone for a moment. The Czech guy starts offering me drinks. I send him to hell. I leave with M.
Yes, that guy was a random jerk. Yes, I should not care about any of that. But it got me pissed and sad and depressed. I started looking at everything with scepticism and disbelief. Now I feel like I am tired and do not want to stay in a thing that I did not even define. I am not sure if it is just being sad and it will pass or if it will linger. Hmm.

New Year. The time for evaluating the past and thinking about the future. Deciding what is it that you want and then getting it. Hmm.
I am stuck in the moment that I can´t get out of.
I have no good reason to continue doing what I am doing but I also don´t have a reason enough to stop.